Separation is a shared experience shared by all people around the world. The verdict is usually somewhere in the middle as to whether separation is an event that helps you grow or an experience that crushes you. As with all subjective experiences, a separation is what you make it to be. The choice you make as to how you will perceive your separation will determine the process you will follow until your release. When you are in the vortex of separation, it may be helpful to remember that you have a responsibility for your reaction.
Honor the End
The reason why giving or looking for really constructive information or advice on separation seems so difficult is because of the personal nature of the experience. No one internalizes the experience of separation in the same way that someone else does. The only common factor in the separation that exists throughout the home is the feeling that something is over.
Whether the ending looks positive or negative for you, it can be therapeutic to recognize, explore, and honor the completion of your relationship. The variety of thoughts and feelings that follow a separation can be striking, as you may discover connections or beliefs you did not know before. Allowing the process of completing a separation to breathe and evolve as it normally wishes could facilitate and speed up your next step.
During or after a separation you may experience some of the following stages of grief or relief:
Looking for Answers
Sometimes the process of separation leaves us with many unanswered questions. Therefore, you may feel the deep need to give new and clear meaning to both the relationship and the fact of separation. Searching for satisfactory answers is often one of the first stages of grieving a separation. Even if you have a positive attitude towards separation it is common to wonder what the main purpose of this separation is in your life.
You may catch yourself replaying moments or conversations with your ex-partner in your head and analyzing memories to identify clues or signs that may shed light on exactly what happened. During this stage people sometimes feel like they are floating between clarity and understanding, and the utter chaos in their minds. Confusion can create an insatiable thirst for understanding separation.
Denial in Various Forms
Sometimes you may find that you find it difficult to really accept the finality of your separation. It may seem unnatural for you to no longer have the emotional connection to your ex-partner. When it comes to this kind of denial, you often choose to cling to the illusion of hope. While deep inside you know that separation is definitive, the pain of accepting the end seems unbearable. If you experience denial in this way, you may think that you can still save the relationship and thus spend a lot of time and energy trying to achieve it.
On the other side of the spectrum of denial are the people who claim to have no emotional reaction to the separation process. It is true that separations can be healthy, lax and comforting for many, but that does not negate the fact that it is a process in which one is consciously cut off from a connection that he has made. Part of honoring your separation is being willing to let go of the burden that has accumulated during your relationship. Even if you are happy to be released from your former partner, you will still carry a load from the past if you do not give yourself time to get rid of it.
Negotiation and Relapses
Going after a split can be unbearable, especially if it wasn’t what you wanted. If you are confident that you can fix things with your partner, you may be trying to regain his affection by promising to do everything to correct what you perceive as problems in the relationship. This can be a frantic situation that is triggered by fear and pain avoidance. If you and your partner decide to give the relationship another chance, meaningful work will be needed to prevent another breakup.
Often the second opportunities that result from negotiation are mere relapses. Reconnecting may cause temporary relief from the acute pain of separation, but the pain and sorrow will be more intense next time. Couples can enter a cycle of separations and reunions many times until they decide to say goodbye.
When you have gone through the phases of denial or relapse, anger over the course of your relationship and separation may appear. If you didn’t want the relationship to end, then this is to be expected, but even if the separation was what you wanted, you might find some share of anger hidden in some corners.
Remember that anger is a positive sign that you are healed by your relationship and separation. When something usually ends, fear dissipates within us. Fear rules most of our emotions, so when anger begins to appear, it means that fear begins to subside. So take it as proof that you are moving forward.
Adopt a Conscious Behavior
Immerse yourself in total acceptance and hope. Partitions can potentially leave us trapped in the dark. In order to maintain awareness and control of your reaction to separation, focus on seeing the situation clearly. Try to get rid of the need to create another image in order to calm others or to mute the intensity of your κριση πανικου.
If you can embrace every thought and feeling that emerges as the times pass, you will gain the power to transform your separation into what you want it to be. Maybe you want to become an opportunity for more self-exploration, healing, and forgiveness. The key is to choose a culture of development. Let the pain inspire you to take care of yourself, and if you are relieved, let it in turn inspire you to practice gratitude.
At the end of the day, knowing and recognizing a separation as a process worth honoring for the good of your own Self is akin to the light that drives you out of the dark tunnel.